Ugh!

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Yup, "ugh" about sums it all up for me. A combination of feeling bleh, a fire down the street from my house, school work, and family has kept me too busy to blog. Well, I'll be truthful, I wasn't too busy, but at the end of the day I was just too worn (co--LAZY--ugh) out to reflect on all the bad eating and not exercising that I was doing.

So, I'd like your ear (or in this case I guess it would really be your eyes) to wax philosophically into for a few minutes. What does disappointment mean to you?

I am enrolled in a course named Family Communication right now. The name of the class is pretty self explanatory. It looks at how you were raised directly impacts how you act today. The class topic was discipline. Even though the answers on how people were disciplined were varied, a common theme was the "I'm disappointed in you" speech given by the parents. Sometimes the speil was called the "I know you can do/be better" but all in all it was the same basic theme, behavior through shame.

Okay, some of you out there are probably getting defensive right now. Thinking "my parents did that and I'm fine" or maybe you are a parent and you're thinking "my kids are fine! don't critique my methods until you have to deal with my kids" I'm not trying to lecture on how a child should be raised, but I am really wanting to write about this and maybe inspire people out there to think about the feelings that speech brought up for you as a kid.

I find myself "falling off the wagon" and not eating well. Hell, I haven't even found where the exercise wagon is parked at so I could fall off of it. hehe. I find I often turn to my fellow bloggers for motivational stories or for methods to get back on track. Whereas there are several great stories out there, I also find SOOO many stories/posts where people are beating themselves up because they haven't stuck to a diet or an exercise plan. It makes my heart bleed for all those people out there doing that to themselves. Feeling so bad about who they are and beating themselves up for it, mostly because I've been there so many times.

There is no nice way to put this. Self doubt is a bitch.

So, here are my thoughts, for whatever they are worth. It is easy to be disappointed in yourself. As awful as I feel emotionally (and often physically) when I start beating myself up, I need to acknowledge that those feelings are actually easy for me. I've known self doubt for a long time. I've known how to tell myself that I'm a fat cow (okay, maybe not that harsh except on my worst days). What I don't know how to do is forgive myself and start over. What I don't know how to do is move past the self doubt and make a change.

Change is hard. I don't care if you are changing a tire or a lifestyle, change is hard!!! So, instead of beating yourself up when you "fall off the wagon" realize that in every challenge there will be set-backs. The key is getting back up after you fall. Sure, it is going to be hard, but think of all the great sayings out there....A Journey of 1000 Miles Starts with a Single Step......We All Start at the Same Place in Life, Too Weak to Hold a Bottle....come on, without those stumbling blocks in life we'd never be able to support the motivational poster industry!

So, next time you stumble, don't beat yourself up. That "I'm disappointed in you" talk is just as devastating coming from a parent as it is coming from yourself. Remember, you haven't ever fallen too far to get up. And most importantly, remember those stumbles are necessary for growth, as well as a lot of inspirational writer's paychecks!

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Food today (Monday):
2 leftover pieces of pepperoni, italian sausage, onion pizza
1 piece of string cheese
chips and salsa
1/2 chicken breast, 1/2 ear of corn, mashed potatoes
100 calorie pack --mint-chocolate cookies
granola bites (peanut butter flavor)
2 diet cokes
1 liter of water