Welcome to a new week. *sigh* I really hate typing the following phrase, but it seems necessary. Nothing new going on here. I don't type that to be self-depricating, I only type it because it is true.
I've been working on setting some goals for myself, but I find all ready that I'm struggling with just daily goals. Geez! When did I become so lazy? An old friend from high school sent me an email the other day to ask what was going on in my life, and I answered truthfully. "not much" LoL. We haven't talked in a year, and that was pretty much what I came up with. I mentioned the masters degree and the fact I'm with the same b/f --but that was about all I could come up with to talk about. He thought I was blowing him off. =0/ Somewhere along the line, not only did I lose most of my ambition/drive, but I also lost a lot of my social abilities. I wonder if my weight has something to do with that. I am certainly a lot more self consious now. I don't just think I can flirt my way out of most situations (oh to be 17 again!). But, I also have found myself wondering a lot about different things....
I've often talked about my little sister. She lives here with me, and honestly, love her to death, but she drives me batty. I mean, sometimes I have to leave the room because she annoys me so much. What an awful thing to say, but in some ways, I wonder if she doesn't annoy me because she is too much of a reflection of myself. Now, let go ahead and warn you now that if you continue reading you may find yourself ankle deep in self-analyzation, a.k.a. BS. =)
So, here is what I'm thinking. Little sis annoys me because she refuses to be a self starter. She ignores things hoping they will go away. She claims to not notice "problems", but I refuse to believe she doesn't process that the sink is completely full of dirty dishes, that she leaves every light on in the house, or the million other little annoying things she does. So, why do I want to strangle her when she does this stuff, but I make excuses and allowances for myself when I refuse to go to the gym, don't work on my masters thesis, or accomplish any housework?!?! Why? Because it is different *rolls eyes* I'm a hypocrite. You know those realizations that cause bile to start slowly creeping up your throat, that is kind of one for me.
My boyfriend has been begging for over a year now for me to tell him what motivates me. Boy, oh boy, oh boy! Wouldn't the person that figured out how to bottle motivation be a billionaire in no time! So let me think for a moment....what motivates me?
1. Food. I know, I know, slap me on the nose and say I'm bad, but food has always been a motivator for me. I blame my parents (joking!). I remember as a kid, after music recitals, science fairs, etc. I'd get to go to McDonalds. Or, maybe I should blame the public school system! They used to hand out all you can eat buffet coupons to the kids on the "A" honor roll. I know it is wrong, but I still find myself offering "bribes" to finish school work, or even to do some sort of physical activity. So, food is a motivator for me, but anymore, it is a guilty motivator which doesn't do me a lot a whole lot of good. Nothing kills motivation quicker than guilt.
2. Praise. I'm a Leo. I can't help myself!! I love being showered in attention. Well, let me rephrase that, I love being showered in positive attention. A few years ago, I signed up to go to the gym with my b/f. Even though he is over-weight, he really is "into" the workout scene. He likes moving heavy stuff around. He took me through a work out, showed me how to use machines, and spotted me on the heavy weights. For the first week, it was a great experience. I loved the one-on-one time we had together. I loved hearing him say he was proud of me for taking that first step. I loved hearing about how great =D I mean, honestly, who doesn't love that pat on the back from the person they love! But, after about three weeks, those praises dried up. I wasn't advancing as quickly as he thought I should. I didn't always use the machines correctly. I was laughing and talking to people at the gym instead of being 100% focused and serious. No praise, no workout. Even worse, I cringe at the thought of stepping foot into a gym with him again. He doesn't understand, no matter how often I've tried to explain, the way he approaches workouts in not acceptable to me. I don't care what happens to young males in football camp, if I wanted to be yelled at, I'll go kick a police officer.
3. Grace of God. Heh, I didn't quite know what to call this one. You know those days when you wake up and feel like you've been blessed. You have a clear picture in your head of what you will acomplish that day, and nothing will stop you? I consider those days granted by the grace of God. I know, they most likely are a product of my own making, but sometimes they just seem so ordained.
My weight is up a little bit so far this week, but I blame that on TOM. No, I haven't been eating out of control or anything like that, but I am up 2 pounds. I have a feeling those will be gone in no time though. Oh, for dinner tonight I had Healthy Choice Sausage. It was actually pretty good!! It tasted almost exactly like a normal kielbasa (sp??) sausage. Only 2.5g of fat though, in comparison with 7+ grams of fat in normal sausages. It was a good change of pace for tonight's dinner =) I couldn't find it on the healthy choice website but their site does have a couple of tastey recipes I'll be checking out later.
Take care everyone in blog land!! =D